Two mates are out fishing for mackerel…..

Two mates are out fishing for mackerel when their boat hits a rock and sinks almost immediately.
“Help, I can’t swim!” cries Jack.
“Don’t worry, jump on my back and I’ll swim for the shore,” replies Colin. For an hour Colin battles with the waves but eventually drags himself up onto the beach.
“Hell fire” he pants “I’m fucked.”
“Yes, sorry about that” says Jack “it was the only way I could stay on.”

 

If it happens again I shall punish you so badly…

Johnny’s neighbour, Mrs Morgan, had a celebrated parrot.People from far and wide would come to see the bird
because he was such a wonderful conversationalist. There was only one drawback – the parrot was obsessed with ducks. If he saw a duck he had to shag it and unfortunately for Mrs Morgan there was a farm just across the field and the ducks were forever being rogered by her obsessed parrot. One day the farmer came round in a dreadful rage.
“If ever I see your parrot near my ducks again, I’m going to shoot it dead. My poor ducks are worn out and I won’t be having it anymore.”

Mrs Morgan turned to her parrot angrily “You hear that, if it happens again I shall punish you so badly you’ll never forget it.”
A week went by and the parrot behaved himself, but one afternoon when all was quiet he escaped again to do the evil deed.
“That’s it!” she screamed, and taking a pair of shears from the garden shed, she cut all the feathers off his head until he was completely bald. The following day, Mrs Morgan was hosting a cocktail party and the parrot was put in the corner and ordered not to move all night. As the guests arrived they were greeted by their hostess and then the parrot in the corner who would say loudly but politely “Good evening Sir, Good evening Madam.”
However, the last two guests to enter were both bald and as soon as the parrot caught sight of them he screamed,
“OK, you two duck shaggers, over here in the corner with me.”

 

He was determined to make a name for himself!!

A new colonel had just arrived at the remote outpost. It was his first assignment abroad and he was determined to make a name for himself.
“First of all, I would like a complete tour of the base,” he ordered his second in command, and for the next hour the colonel inspected every little nook and cranny, eventually arriving at a small shed.
“What’s in there?” he bellowed.
“A camel Sir,” came the reply, and it was explained to the colonel that because the outpost was so remote, the men would sometimes get sexually frustrated and then they’d use the camel.
“Disgusting!, get rid of it immediately,” he ordered.
Three months went by and the colonel was badly missing the fairer sex. He swallowed his pride and asked if indeed the camel had been removed from camp.

“I’m sorry Sir, it is in fact still here,” said the second in command. With that, the colonel went down to the shed,
dropped his trousers, got up behind the camel and gave it all he’d got.
“There” he panted, “is that what the men do?”
Thoroughly embarrassed, the second in command replied, “Not exactly, no Sir. The men ride the camel to the nearest whorehouse.”