Two mates are out fishing for mackerel…..

Two mates are out fishing for mackerel when their boat hits a rock and sinks almost immediately.
“Help, I can’t swim!” cries Jack.
“Don’t worry, jump on my back and I’ll swim for the shore,” replies Colin. For an hour Colin battles with the waves but eventually drags himself up onto the beach.
“Hell fire” he pants “I’m fucked.”
“Yes, sorry about that” says Jack “it was the only way I could stay on.”

 

If it happens again I shall punish you so badly…

Johnny’s neighbour, Mrs Morgan, had a celebrated parrot.People from far and wide would come to see the bird
because he was such a wonderful conversationalist. There was only one drawback – the parrot was obsessed with ducks. If he saw a duck he had to shag it and unfortunately for Mrs Morgan there was a farm just across the field and the ducks were forever being rogered by her obsessed parrot. One day the farmer came round in a dreadful rage.
“If ever I see your parrot near my ducks again, I’m going to shoot it dead. My poor ducks are worn out and I won’t be having it anymore.”

Mrs Morgan turned to her parrot angrily “You hear that, if it happens again I shall punish you so badly you’ll never forget it.”
A week went by and the parrot behaved himself, but one afternoon when all was quiet he escaped again to do the evil deed.
“That’s it!” she screamed, and taking a pair of shears from the garden shed, she cut all the feathers off his head until he was completely bald. The following day, Mrs Morgan was hosting a cocktail party and the parrot was put in the corner and ordered not to move all night. As the guests arrived they were greeted by their hostess and then the parrot in the corner who would say loudly but politely “Good evening Sir, Good evening Madam.”
However, the last two guests to enter were both bald and as soon as the parrot caught sight of them he screamed,
“OK, you two duck shaggers, over here in the corner with me.”

 

He was determined to make a name for himself!!

A new colonel had just arrived at the remote outpost. It was his first assignment abroad and he was determined to make a name for himself.
“First of all, I would like a complete tour of the base,” he ordered his second in command, and for the next hour the colonel inspected every little nook and cranny, eventually arriving at a small shed.
“What’s in there?” he bellowed.
“A camel Sir,” came the reply, and it was explained to the colonel that because the outpost was so remote, the men would sometimes get sexually frustrated and then they’d use the camel.
“Disgusting!, get rid of it immediately,” he ordered.
Three months went by and the colonel was badly missing the fairer sex. He swallowed his pride and asked if indeed the camel had been removed from camp.

“I’m sorry Sir, it is in fact still here,” said the second in command. With that, the colonel went down to the shed,
dropped his trousers, got up behind the camel and gave it all he’d got.
“There” he panted, “is that what the men do?”
Thoroughly embarrassed, the second in command replied, “Not exactly, no Sir. The men ride the camel to the nearest whorehouse.”

 

The Plan

In the beginning there  was the Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

And they spoke among themselves, saying, “It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.”

And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said, “It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odour thereof.”

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, “It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.”

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, “It is a vessel of fertiliser, and none may abide its strength.”

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another, “It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”

And the Directors then went onto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, “It promotes growth and is very powerful.”

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, “This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigour of the company; with powerful effects.”

And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.

And the Plan became Policy.

This is How Shit Happens.

 

 

Bad Language at Work

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the group have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated.

We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers, therefore, a list of “TRY SAYING” new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

SO:

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I’m certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way!!

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be shitting me?

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: Of course I’m concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?!?!

TRY SAYING: I’m not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it won’t work.

TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?

TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He’s hasn’t got a fucking clue.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die motherfucker.

TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Sucked in fuckwit.

TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I’m on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass!

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!!!

TRY SAYING: I don’t think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don’t give a shit.

TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s a fucking prick.

TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a ball busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.

 

 

Resume Mistakes

How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some real-life examples:

“My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.”

“Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.”

“Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.”

“Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet.”

“I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”

“I am a rabid typist.”

“Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side.”

“Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business.”

“Proven ability to track down and correct erors.”

“Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far.”

“I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one.”

“References: None, I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.”

“Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.”

“Don’t take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.”

“My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”

“I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.”

“I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail.”

“Qualifications: No education or experience.”

“Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.”

“Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.”

“Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!”

Cover letter: “Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!”

 

 

One day, Jesus, Moses and an old guy were playing golf……

One day, Jesus, Moses and an old guy were playing golf. The hole was a short Par-3, with a small pond right in the center.

Moses walks up first, pulls out an 8-iron, and swings. The ball looks short, and is about to hit the water when Moses suddenly thrusts his arms out to both sides. The water in the pond parts, and the ball rolls along the bottom of the pond, up on the green, and eventually comes to rest about 6 inches from the pin.

Jesus takes the next shot, pulls out his 9-iron and swings. Again, the ball looks short, and looks like its going to hit the water as well. But instead, the ball bounces off the surface of the water, rolls along the top of the pond, on to the green, and stops about 3 inches from Moses’s ball.

The old guy is up next. He waddles to the tee, pulls out his pitching wedge and takes half a swing. The ball slices sharply to the right, hits a tree and bounces left. It bounces off the second tree, and goes right in the pond with a resounding *bloop.* In the pond, a fish swims by and picks up the ball as its sinking in the pond, and swims it to the surface. Just as the fish comes to the top of the pond, a bird flies by and plucks the fish out of the water. The bird flies around the green with the fish (still holding the ball) about 3 or 4 times, when he swoops down toward the green. And just before the bird hits the green, the fish drops the ball right in the hole.

Jesus and Moses look astonished for a few moments, until Moses gets angry, and throws down his clubs. He gives Jesus a dirty look, and exclaims “That’s it! I’m NEVER playing golf with your dad again!”

 

 

Dead Mother

The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.”

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. “Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. “Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.”

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. “Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?”

“Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath’s mother died. You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.”

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. NOT SO FAST, McGrath!”

 

 

Man Questions and Answers

Q: How many men does it take to make popcorn?
A: Four, one to hold the pot, and three to act macho and shake the stove.

Q. How do you save a man from drowning?
A. Take your foot off of his head.

Q. How are men like parking spaces?
A. The good ones are always taken and all that is left are handicapped

Q. Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
A. When the crew gets lost in space at least the women will ask for directions.

Q. How do men get excersize at the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. What’s the difference between a man and E.T.?
A. E.T. phoned home.

Q. What did God say after he created man?
A. I can do better than this.

Q. What’s a man’s idea of helpin with the housework?
A. Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

Q. How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
A. We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirty; We iron/ they wrinkle.

Q. Why are all dumb blond jokes oneliners?
A. So men can understand them.

Q. How are men like noodles?
A. They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Q. What is the difference between government bonds and men?
A. Government bonds mature.

Q. What’s the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
A. When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

Q. What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?
A. A hot dog and a six pack.

 

 

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

1. AVERAGE: Not too bright.
2. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
3. ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
4. ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
5. CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
6. UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
7. QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
8. TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
9. TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
10. INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
11. STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.
12. TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
13. APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
14. A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
15. NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.
16. EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.
17. SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.
18. CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.
19. METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.
20. DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.
21. JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.
22. MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.
23. KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
24. STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.
25. GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.
26. SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.
27. OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.
28. IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.
29. ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.
30. REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.
31. HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.
32. ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.
33. HAPPY: Paid too much.
34. WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.
35. COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
36. CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Annoying.
37. WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.
38. SHOULD GO FAR: Please.
39. USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.
40. VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
41. USES RESOURCES WELL: Delegates everything.
42. DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make s/he feel appreciated.