One day, Jesus, Moses and an old guy were playing golf……

One day, Jesus, Moses and an old guy were playing golf. The hole was a short Par-3, with a small pond right in the center.

Moses walks up first, pulls out an 8-iron, and swings. The ball looks short, and is about to hit the water when Moses suddenly thrusts his arms out to both sides. The water in the pond parts, and the ball rolls along the bottom of the pond, up on the green, and eventually comes to rest about 6 inches from the pin.

Jesus takes the next shot, pulls out his 9-iron and swings. Again, the ball looks short, and looks like its going to hit the water as well. But instead, the ball bounces off the surface of the water, rolls along the top of the pond, on to the green, and stops about 3 inches from Moses’s ball.

The old guy is up next. He waddles to the tee, pulls out his pitching wedge and takes half a swing. The ball slices sharply to the right, hits a tree and bounces left. It bounces off the second tree, and goes right in the pond with a resounding *bloop.* In the pond, a fish swims by and picks up the ball as its sinking in the pond, and swims it to the surface. Just as the fish comes to the top of the pond, a bird flies by and plucks the fish out of the water. The bird flies around the green with the fish (still holding the ball) about 3 or 4 times, when he swoops down toward the green. And just before the bird hits the green, the fish drops the ball right in the hole.

Jesus and Moses look astonished for a few moments, until Moses gets angry, and throws down his clubs. He gives Jesus a dirty look, and exclaims “That’s it! I’m NEVER playing golf with your dad again!”

 

 

Man Questions and Answers

Q: How many men does it take to make popcorn?
A: Four, one to hold the pot, and three to act macho and shake the stove.

Q. How do you save a man from drowning?
A. Take your foot off of his head.

Q. How are men like parking spaces?
A. The good ones are always taken and all that is left are handicapped

Q. Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
A. When the crew gets lost in space at least the women will ask for directions.

Q. How do men get excersize at the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. What’s the difference between a man and E.T.?
A. E.T. phoned home.

Q. What did God say after he created man?
A. I can do better than this.

Q. What’s a man’s idea of helpin with the housework?
A. Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

Q. How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
A. We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirty; We iron/ they wrinkle.

Q. Why are all dumb blond jokes oneliners?
A. So men can understand them.

Q. How are men like noodles?
A. They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Q. What is the difference between government bonds and men?
A. Government bonds mature.

Q. What’s the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
A. When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

Q. What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?
A. A hot dog and a six pack.

 

 

Questions Galore…

1. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
2. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?
3. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
4. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
5. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
6. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
7. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
8. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
9. “Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.”
10. When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
11. How did a fool and his money get together?
12. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
13. Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
14. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
15. If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
16. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
17. What do they use to ship styrofoam?
18. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
19. Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
20. If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
21. If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
23. If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
24. Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
25. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

 

Things Our Mothers Taught Us

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
” Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONS.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once! , I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
“You are going to get it when you get home!”

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”

19. My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you”

 

 

What is the difference between anger and exasperation?

Little Ernie was having a problem with his homework.
“Dad,” he asked, “What is the difference between anger and exasperation?”
“Well, son,” said his father, “I’ll give you a practical demonstration.”
His father picked up the phone and dialed a number.
“Hello,” said a voice at the other end.
“Hello, “said Ernie’s father “Is Melvin there?”
“There is no one called Melvin here!” the voice replied. “Why don’t you look up numbers before you dial them?”
“You see?” said Ernie’s father. “That man was not at all happy with our call. But watch this!”
He then dialed the number again, and says, “Hello, is Melvin there?”
“Now look here!” the voice said angrily. “I told you there is no Melvin here! You have got a lot of nerve calling again!”
“Did you hear that?” Ernie’s father asked. “That was anger. Now, I will show you what .exasperation is!”
He dialed once again. And on hearing the voice at the other end, Ernie’s father said: “Hello! This is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”

 

 

Dictionary for women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, “made the dinner.”

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See “Magician.”

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say “focus,…breath…push…”

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also “tranquilizers.”

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

 

Funny-Metaphorically Speaking

These are metaphors from actual school exam essays.

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red crayon.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for while.

Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31p-a-pint night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.”

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her like a dog at a lamp-post.

His wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cash point (ATM).

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.