Insha Kutoka Shule Fulani Huko Nyeri

Kwetu ni Nyeri!…Kwa hivyo mamangu ni Mnyeri..sasa tuanze insha…Ilikuwa mnamo mwendo wa saa sita usiku wa manane turikuwa tumerara usingizi wa pono tukaasikia nduruu na mayowe kutoka kule bedruuumu ya Mama na baba. Mara ya kwanza turirenga, lakini kilicho tushangaza abadaan kataani ni vile ile nduluu ilikuwa ni ya mwanaume..Akili zangu zikarudi masaa kadhaa kabla Tulare turiwacha kukiwa na tensheni!!. Kwa takribani miaka tano imepita mama amekuwa akimtishia baba kwa kumwaambia “ Nomaaa wee ithe wa wahome rimwe ndikugutha wee!!” (Sikumoja wee baba wahome nitakuwekerea vita) Nduluu ya baba iliendelea kuongezeka, na naskia mama akimwaambia “ Umuthi ngukuonia nganga mbute kana nguku njine” (Leo nitakuonyesha kanga iMengorewo manyoya). Turikuwa tumekatazwa kufika kule chumba cha wazazi cha kurara hata nini ifanyike!!..kwa hivyo hatukuwa na mbundi wara kafara ila kutazama tu na maskio!!.Niliskia baba akimsihi mama..” wooooi ma wa wahome tiga kujita njohera 2” (mama wahome wooooi wacha kuninyonga wooooi nisamehe”. Mama hakuwa anampa nafasi alikuwa akimkung’uta kung’uta!! Kama umbwa ameacha kinyesi sebuleni. Hayawi hayawi mwishowe huwa!! Turiamini pale mama aripotoka na kwenda stooo yetu na Kuwaacha amemwambia baba “Ndiroka gukuraga wee!! Hoya ria muisho”(Omba sara ya mwisho nakunja kufukuza uhai ndani yako”..hapo hata sisi turiamuka tuoone vile utafukuzwa tukaanza kushungria kwa tumianya twa ile bedruuumu. Mangai! musitake njua mama arirudi na panga!! Wolololo! Alimuwekere baba akiwa kirandani..kataaap! baba alinyongoroka juu ya kitanda akipiga nduluuu mingi ire sijawai kusikia akisema “ Wuuuuuiii, majirani..uyu niekunjuraga ukai!! Njohera wa Wahome..Kabra majirani wafike baba alikuwa amekura panga kama Kumi.!!
Ungethani mama anakatakata kuni ama migomba ya ndizi..Majiranini warikuja na kumuokoa baba kutoka kwa shujaa mamangu ambaye arikuwa ameamua kufukuza uhai ndani ya baba!! Majirani warimshika mama.. na wengine wakaita gari halakahalaka iliyo na mbaraka,, kumpereka baba hospitari..Mama naye akaperekwa kwa shifo, Siku iliyofuatia saa nane tirienda kumuona baba yetu hospitari..turighathimbika tititi kumuona alivyokaa!!
Arikuwa ameshona anakaa kitenge!! Daktari akatuuuliza “Huyu ni baba yenyu?” Tukasema hatuna uhakika..! Alikuwa hatamburiki si nywele wala sikio..!! sasa kiricho tushangaza for for for ni vile baba aritokea kwa runinga jioni akisema..”Hata sio mara ya kwaja amenipiga…naomba serikari iiingirie kati kwa sabambu hii si kama vita ni kama ya kifo!!,, amanikata kata kama mboga akiniwekerea mapanga” !!..hapo ndipo tukaamini msemo uliosemwo na chambilesho wahenga asiyefunzwa na mamaye hufunzwa na bibiye!!.”msemo na wahenga wa nyeri.

 

Why Men Usually Die First

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries but, now we know.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race…you’re a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework…you’re a pansy.

If you work too hard…there’s never any time for her.

If you don’t work enough…you’re a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay…this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay…..you should get off your lazy – ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her…..that is favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you……it’s equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks……it’s sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet……….it’s male indifference.

If you cry…………you’re a wimp.

If you don’t……..you’re an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her………you’re a  chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you……she’s a liberated  woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy……. that’s  domination.

If SHE asks you………it’s a favor.

If you appreciate the female form, and frilly underwear……you’re a  pervert.

If you don’t…………..you’re gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you’re sexist.

If you don’t……………..you’re unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape…………….you’re vain.

If you don’t…………….you’re a slob.

If you buy her flowers………….you’ve did something or want  something.

If you don’t………………..you’re not thoughtful.

If you’re proud of your achievements……..you’re full of yourself.

If you don’t………………..you’re not ambitious.

If she has a headache…………she’s tired.

If you have a headache………….you don’t love her anymore.

If you want it too often………you’re oversexed.

If you don’t…………….there must be someone else.

So you ask, ‘Why do men die first?’

Men try so hard for so long to be the perfect mate that they finally just give up.

 

Cross Examination

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer

during a felony trial – it went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer, who responded to the alarm.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.
Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer – do you have a room
where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your
life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share
with those same officers?
A: You see sir, we share the building with the court complex, and
sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

 

Pooping on the bus – Thats Embarrassing!! (Sarah?)

When I was in high school a group of popular girls would constantly tease and torment me because I was shy and because I wasn’t as “developed” as they were. They were always getting in trouble. One time they were forced to work for two weeks in the cafeteria after they had been caught smoking pot. I even giggled at them when they were forced to serve me lunch. One day at lunch, right before a field trip to the state capital, they put a whole bunch of laxatives in my food as a prank, even though I didn’t know that at the time. As soon as the bus started I felt like I needed to go to the bathroom really bad, but the teacher said I needed to wait until we arrived because they didn’t have time to stop and find a bathroom. All the bullies were laughing at me as I held my stomach in pain, that’s when I started to suspect what they had done. I tried so hard to hold it in, especially since I was sitting right next to my crush. Finally after about 20 minutes I just couldn’t hold it any more, and I had a huge bowel movement right when we got on the highway. Everyone started laughing, the girls were shouting “Sarah just shit her pants”?, I just wanted to die.
I had to wait for more than an hour before the smell got so bad the the teacher finally decided to stop the bus at a McDonalds off the highway. The teacher told me to get up and I had to walk through the bus in front of everyone with a huge brown stain covering the back of my pants. Poo was dripping down my legs and on to the floor. The whole bus just burst into laughter while I cried like a baby. After I had finished cleaning myself up in the McDonalds bathroom my teacher went next door to wal mart to buy me some new clothes. Instead of underwear, he came back with an adult diaper. My teacher told me that there was no way he was going to clean up another mess and that if I couldn’t hold it in I should be wearing pampers. The diaper was completely obvious under my sweat pants, and everyone could hear the sound that they made as I sat back on my seat when I got back on the bus. For the rest of high school everyone called me pampers and sh*tstain, it was a living nightmare.

 

The Princess and the Pee – Thats Embarrassing!! (Emily?)

During my junior year in high school, I had a part in a school play. My character was a fairy princess, and my costume was basically just glittery leotards. As with any leotards, I couldn’t wear anything underneath them, and I’d have to pull the whole thing down to my ankles in order to use the restroom. Needless to say, this made bathroom breaks very awkward, so I’d usually try to drink as little as possible on performance days. Unfortunately, though, I broke my own rule at the worst possible time — during the final performance. That last performance was “The Big Day” — the day on which teachers, students, parents, siblings, and other family members would all be in attendance. To celebrate the event, our theater teacher brought us cake and soft-drinks beforehand. And because I’m an idiot who can’t resist free stuff, I ended up drinking several sodas shortly before the start of the play. While giving my performance, I could feel the pressure building in my bladder, but somehow I thought that I’d be able to hold it in until the end. By act 3, though, I was in serious pain, and I knew that I couldn’t wait any longer. During a brief section in which my character wasn’t on stage, I took the opportunity to hurry to the nearest bathroom…but it was occupied! At that point, I was a second away from peeing in my leotards. There was no way I could wait any longer, so I desperately began searching for an unoccupied room in which I could relieve myself. Just behind the stage, I found a small, dark, dusty storage room. In my desperation, it seemed like the perfect place for me. So I went into a corner and pulled my leotards down to my ankles. Before I could begin peeing, though, I realized that I was at risk of splashing urine on my costume, so I pulled my leotard off entirely, and tossed them onto a nearby chair. (I was now totally naked.) I thought I’d finally have a chance to pee, but before I could start, I heard someone approaching. It was my theater teacher, and he was saying, “Emily! Where the hell are you?! It’s almost time for you to go back onstage!” It sounded like he was about to enter the room. At this point, my fear, my embarrassment, and the pain in my bladder had completely addled my thinking. Nearby, there was a door to what I thought was a closet. Somehow, I thought that I’d be able to hide in there until my teacher left. So I opened the door and rushed through…but it wasn’t a closet. I was now ON THE STAGE! As soon as I saw the rows and rows of people staring at me, I completely froze, and my mind went blank. I could not move, or think, or even breathe. I didn’t even have enough sense to run away or cover myself. I just stood there completely exposed, and I was vaguely aware of shocked gasps and murmurs coming from the audience. At that point, my poor bladder just couldn’t take it any more, and I began peeing. As I write this, I can feel a sense of numb horror as I remember that experience. Everyone was staring at me, and I was totally, totally, naked…with my own urine running uncontrollably down my legs. I could faintly hear someone in the audience saying, “Is she…pissing on herself? Oh my God, she is!” The gasps and murmurs became much louder. I don’t really know what happened after that, because I fainted. From then on, I was the laughing stock of the school.