Quotes From Actual Medical Records

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.

1. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

6. I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.

7. Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. The patient refused an autopsy.

12. The patient has no past history of suicides.

13. The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

14. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

15. Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

16. The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

17. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

18. The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

19. The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

Thanks to; http://jdcasey4655.tripod.com/medical_records.htm Awesome stuff and funny too:-)

 

10 Words That Don’t Exist, But Should

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’ trus)

Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar’ per pet u a shun)

The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’)

To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow ‘remove’ all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon’ iks)

The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust)

The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until they finally decide to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak’ to man gyu lay’ shun)

Manhandling the “open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the ‘illegal’ side.

7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay’)

The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee’ zhuh)

The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup’ kus)

The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun)

The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away from it.

Thanks to: http://jdcasey4655.tripod.com/words.htm cheers.